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The following are phrases I’m most likely to use in the next 5 years:

• Bullocks, I’m the Anti-Christ

• But officer, I swear I didn’t see that motorway worker in the yellow jacket when I hit him with my car today at noon.

• (To a baliff over the phone) He no live here no more, we sell chinese food, you want kung pow chicken?

• Don’t shoot, it was the old lady’s gun! (to the armed officers shouting at me to drop the weapon and drop to the ground).

• Let me just get my ticket…. LOOK A DIVERSION!

• No matter what the CCTV footage may show, I didn’t set fire to that petrol station.

• It may look like a Pugeot, but as the tax disc says it’s a Vauxhall.

• OhmygodfuckinghellRUN!